Life has always been precarious, fragile and impermanence may seem harsh. Life is about gain and loss, accepting this allows us the potential for healing and repair. It is how we carry on after a loss that is important. Loss is not something we are able to control. The only thing we can do is control our actions and reactions to it.
Missing someone or something is part of life. When something we thought was constant changes ,we often question our belief system. The fragility we feel after a loss, is very real.
Grief responses are instinctive in all of us and are geared towards re-establishing our relationship with the loved one. A common feeling of grief is pain each time the loss is remembered. Searching, longing, denial, are all means of self protection and a way to avoid pain.
Different attachment styles will have a huge impact on how we experience grief and the loss of a loved one or situation. The quality of our different attachment will affect our ability to accept and normalise our emotional reactions when bonds are broken.
Western culture has opted for a sanitised version of loss and grief, we don’t tend to talk very much about it so don’t know what to expect. We will all experience different kinds of loss throughout our life. Loss offers tangible evidence of our mortality, which can trigger feelings of helplessness, vulnerability and fear. All of which will have a profound impact on our inner self. Grief is not weak or self-indulgent. I believe talking about loss and grief is healthy,reassuring and helps to normalise it.
Pain, sadness, anger, regret and guilt are normal responses to loss and grief, there is no right or wrong way to feel and there is no set time frame to grief. Suppressing pain, internalising guilt will lead to feeling stuck and prolong the grieving process which can lead to anxiety, depression, suicidal feelings and other illnesses.
I work assisting people to manage and adjust to their loss in order to engage again with living. Some helpful tips for anyone who is suffering with loss and grief.
Cut yourself some slack, mudelling over should of, could of and would of is unhelpful.
Be kind to yourself, forgive yourself for anything you feel you might have done better. You did what you felt was right at the time. The outcome may not have been the one you’d hoped or wished for but it’s now your new reality.
I hope this blog helps anyone who is grieving, I am always on the other end of the phone or the chair if you need to speak.
Be the best you can be.