3rd March 2020

Relational Needs and Loneliness

  What are Relational needs? They are our emotional necessities that are met through social connections. Being socially connected is the experience of feeling close to and connected to others. This is one of the most fundamental aspects of human life. It involves feeling loved, cared for, valued and appreciated. This is different from the need for survival and physical safety which Maslow bases his hierarchy of human needs on. We all have a desire to belong. Our lives revolve around social interactions and the maintenance of our interpersonal relationships. We experience these needs from cradle to grave, often out of awareness. Being in a relationship with others offers security, attachment, guidance, validation and reassurance of worth. How we connect to others and how we are accepted by those whose opinions we value significantly impact our emotions, self-beliefs and underlies fundamental behaviours, which play an important part in both our physical and psychological well-being and mental health. Problems occur when our relational needs are not currently being met, or if they were not adequately met in our early development stages. The consequence of this can be reflected as feelings of emptiness, longing, loneliness, frustration, anger, aggression, depression, loss of energy and hope. As a way of explaining our inner distress we develop self-beliefs that become entrenched internally, such as ”There’s nobody there for me, there’s no use trying, or nobody can be trusted.”. In every human culture studied we see the pain of banishment and isolation as the most severe […]
26th January 2020

New Year Resolutions and why they dont last.

The New Year symbolises a fresh start because of this many of us have a strong desire to make changes in our life, rather like beginning a new chapter in the book that is our life. Many of us make resolutions. These look different for each individual be it losing weight, getting fit or finding a new job. We start this ‘new chapter’ full of enthusiasm with great aspiration to achieve our goals, however, only 12% of us will succeed past January. Some of the reasons our Resolutions don’t last: The goals we set are unrealistic. It is important to be specific about what goals you would like to achieve and know exactly why this goal is important to you. For example: Do you want to be fit so you can be a positive role model to loved ones? Do you want to lose weight, so you can feel more confident in your body, have increased energy, look fabulous for an upcoming event, live longer or have an excuse to buy new clothes? If you are honest with yourself as to your reasons why you want to achieve the goal then you will be more encouraged to succeed. Remember if it’s not really important to you, then you won’t do it. If you want to make any positive personal changes, then the last thing to do is to drastically change your entire life overnight. Slow and steady habit changes may sound mundane but are more effective and achievable than an […]
1st January 2020

Anger and Aggressive Outbursts

The emotion of anger is entirely natural, and it is normal to feel angry when you’ve been wronged or mistreated. Despite its negative connotations, anger can be used in a positive way to propel you forward and it can consequently help you to achieve personal goals. It is important that emotions such as anger get released in a healthy manner and don’t get bottled up (venting is an important and very normal human response). Gaining and sustaining control over your anger and then being able to self-regulate this is crucial to maintaining rational and calm responses. When anger results in aggressive and/or violent outbursts and it subsequently causes harm to yourself or others – it becomes a problem. Feelings of anger and violent outbursts can be related to many different underlying mental health issues, such as: including mistrust issues, depression, anxiety, a history of past physical, sexual or emotional abuse and addictions, among others.  In order to control these outbursts of anger said underlying mental health difficulties and dependencies need to be addressed and treated appropriately. If you or someone you know presents with the following: An inability to express emotions in a calm and healthy manner, Ignores or refuses to speak to people, Struggles to compromise without getting angry, which then results in aggressive violent outbursts, Displayed heightened anger/violence when consuming alcohol, Consistently struggles with substance abuse or addiction, Displaying progressively erratic violent behaviour in inappropriate situations Then support is needed. It can be extremely difficult to recognise and […]
3rd November 2019

Social Media’s impact on mental health and well being.

  Over the past decade, social media has had a huge impact on our society and us as individuals. As a result, it has become an integral part of our life and is set to become an even more central aspect of our lives in the future. The effect of social media can have a significant and in some cases devastating impact on our mental health if not managed correctly. There’s no doubt social media has changed our lives and is now a normal and vital part of people’s everyday routine.  Accessing information has become easy and we are used the instant responses and gratification it provides, finding products, services, opinions, directions, reviews, news and sport. It provides an effective platform to promote products and services and allows detailed targeting, which can reach a wider audience. Many people have also made successful careers as social influencers. Social media can be positive for our wellbeing – it connects us and gives people a voice, allows self-expression and can influence social change.  It can be motivational, inspiring, answer questions, pose questions, offer opportunities, extends hobbies and interests and provide an online support network, this ability to communicate increases a sense of worth and belonging. Social media platforms offer a positive and negative impact on mental health and wellbeing. YouTube ranks the most positive because it offers such a wealth of information, whilst representing diversity in a very real, honest and at times inspirational way. Meanwhile, Instagram is ranked the most negative; due […]
6th October 2019

Understanding Emotional Intelligence

Emotional Intelligence is a term that has become popular in recent years, often used in conversations but not always fully understood. So what is Emotional Intelligence? Many people believe it is about having and expressing strong feelings, this can often come with negative connotations.  Essentially, Emotional Intelligence refers to a person’s ability to identify, manage, regulate and respond effectively to their own and others emotions. Emotional Intelligence goes hand in hand with empathy; ( a heightened sensitivity to yours and others’ emotions) which makes it easier to recognize the underlying feelings driving another person’s actions, relate to them, and then in response treat them with kindness and compassion rather than contempt, confusion, or carelessness. Emotional intelligence typically correlates with communication skills because having heightened emotional awareness can make it easier to explain to someone exactly how you’re feeling or what’s bothering you. As we learn to effectively understand and empathically express our emotions, it becomes easier to self- regulate, problem-solve and not get overwhelmed in the face of upset and conflict. This makes us more pleasant to be around and improves our interactions and relationship with others. So how can we develop and improve our Emotional Intelligence? I believe it is important to stop blocking out our emotions. Some of the ways we numb ourselves to our emotions include drugs, alcohol, screens, social media, gambling, food, television, etc. These coping mechanisms and habits we adopt can become hard-to-break. When we have an impulse to turn to our coping mechanisms to […]
17th August 2019

Healthy boundaries.

  This blog is to help those of us who feel like we cannot say no and as a result, become frustrated and overwhelmed, because we have spread ourselves too thinly. Often we can feel torn between promises to family, friends, work responsibilities, financial obligations. Having too many commitments that emotionally and physically drain us can lead us to feel that we are not in control of our lives. Healthy boundaries are crucial for emotional, physical and relational health, as well as our care and respect towards ourselves and others. When there is no clear partition between our and others’ needs and feelings, relationships can suffer and eventually may result in feelings of resentment, disappointment, or even violation. Most people are not trying to violate our boundaries—they just aren’t aware of what they are, this is because, often, we are not clear with ourselves and ultimately others about what we want or need So, what are boundaries? They are decisions that we make often subconsciously, which direct our behaviour and the way we interact with others. Another way of looking at boundaries is seeing them as to where we decide to draw our line in the sand. To better understand where our lines lie we must listen to our inner voice that says “I will go that far and no further.” Emotional boundaries are about respecting our own feelings and knowing our worth. It is crucial that we care for our own needs before we can have healthy relationships and […]
16th June 2019

Care Givers.

I’m writing this blog as a tribute to those who care for loved ones. For the past three years, I have had the privilege to work part-time as a volunteer counsellor for a charity that supports carers. It is estimated that 6.5 people in the UK provide unpaid care to a family member, neighbour or friend, this equates to one in eight people. Many carers juggle school, college, full or part-time jobs, with their caring role.  A large number of carers give up their jobs to become full-time carers, this can become a lonely and isolating experience, as a consequence of this, carers can experience both physical and mental ill-health. I have supported carers at different stages in their caregiving journey for some, at the beginning and for others at the end. Every carer has a different combination of life circumstances. However, consistent common themes in the carers I worked with included: anxiety, depression, anger, grief, guilt, resentment and hopelessness.  The role of a caregiver becomes part of your identity –  you are responsible for the well-being of another, much like the role of a mother. This involves managing personal and practical care, providing a safe environment, whilst constantly being vigilant, putting their needs first and making sure that the cared- for wants for nothing. Being able to feel upbeat and positive when you’re under such pressure can become impossible. In my experience carer’s emotions can swing from immense sadness to resentment and anger. They then feel guilty about feeling […]
11th February 2019


This blog is aimed at helping people manage their anxiety. Everyone experiences anxiety at some point in their lives, understanding a little of how our body responds to stress and anxiety is a helpful way to deal with it, then hopefully long-term problems will not occur. We perceive situations and problems either as a challenge or a threat,  if we feel the demands outweigh our resources to cope then the situation or problem becomes a stressor.  If the stress is not addressed and processed, it becomes an internal stressor and moves into what we call anxiety. There are differences between stress and anxiety. Stress is when the body thinks it is under attack and switches to ‘fight or flight’ mode releasing a mixture of hormones and chemicals, namely adrenaline and cortisol, these prepare the body to take physical action. When the threat has subsided, the hormones coursing through our bodies recede and we return to a state of calm.  However, if our brains are not functioning correctly, our mind says we are under threat and our systems continue to produce high levels of cortisol and adrenaline. We can only undergo ‘fight or flight’ responses for a limited amount of time before our bodies become overloaded, exhausted, unable to self-regulate and this is where problems occur. There are overlaps between stress and anxiety, but the two emotions feed off different stressors. With stress, the stressors are perceived from the outside in the here and now and with anxiety, the stressors are perceived from the […]
10th November 2018

Improving our communications

  This blog is written in tribute to those suffering from a neurological or cognitive impairment, who are no longer able to communicate verbally. Talking enables us to connect with others and gives us a sense of belonging. Communicating positively enhances our life satisfaction, increases a general sense of wellbeing and so makes us happy. But why is it then so many of us get it wrong? Communication is about how we send messages and interpret the replies, no message is ever without some kind of bias. Due to our upbringing, our education, our culture and our social and cultural mores we cannot but have biases and prejudices. This all increases the likelihood of us misinterpreting what the other person is trying to tell us. I believe the most important skill for successful communication is listening. And listening is different from hearing. If you want to communicate clearly then it is important for you to carefully listen. Listening is an art, which requires you to be genuinely interested in a non-judgemental, unbiased way, without your own agenda intruding. Some tips for helping you to communicate more productively with others: Avoid giving titles and interpretations of your observations. Try to be objective, opinions are often expressions of bias. Arguments often develop from repressed emotions. It is important to own up to your own feelings, no one makes you feel emotions, they are simply your subjective responses. Make your requests as clearly as you can for as they become clearer then your […]